Every living organism is fulfilled when it follows the right path for its own nature. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Thought the First
It occurred to me that this blog is more the archive of a man disappearing into madness than the chronicles of an independent game developer. For the last month it's been nothing but I don't know what I'm doing with this site; now I know, the way the protagonist in a Lovecraftian horror story comes to understand the truth of his situation and then fights it through the finale.
Fun fact: "hemostasis" refers to the act of stopping bloodflow. Not my intention when I chose the sobriquet, but if I think of what I'm doing here as blogging and not engaging in the free market, I'm not here to network or pitch a product, I'm just here to stop my own mental illness from causing me to bleed out. Still fits. This page came about because I am stagnant. If I continue to do nothing but lurk, I am going to regress and become intellectually dull. Without opening myself up to my peers, I have no peers. Every thought I've ever had, I've scrubbed. When I come close to the truth, I succumb to paranoia and delete it.
Thought the Second
An open channel is not a safe space. Everything becomes permanent. I can't be certain whether I'm disclosing reality or delusion. If I cannot be certain of a statement's veracity, I cannot make the statement. If I am publishing something under the auspices of fiction, it has to be the truest fiction I'm capable of writing.
I wasted my youth not acting crazy. The energy expenditure was so great I wasn't able to focus on much else. Rather than focusing on my madness as a topic of discussion, I want to focus on learning. Specifically, subjects I wasn't able to focus on when I was a student in survival mode. Now that I am no longer Part of Society, I have the privilege of being able to study for long periods of time when I'm in hyperfocus and rest when I'm fatigued.
My readings might not seem deep, or worth sharing. I'm figuring out what I should share vs keep to myself, and how I ought to share what I decide is worth digitizing. Not everything needs to take up data. Some things are barely worth the electricity in my synapses.
There's a way to work with my brain, which is a damaged brain, and have the output that it generates be worth the data it takes to store the thought. That's what I'm here to figure out.This blog will not teach passersby how to learn quickly, or efficiently, or to be more productive. I doubt very highly passersby will learn anything from this at all. You're witnessing a disembodied man struggle to become self-actualized before his physical form succumbs to entropy, or disease, or a random act of violence.
This is a record of lived experience
Some days I am capable of creating art, and some days I am capable of summarizing what I have read, and some days I am capable of interacting with video games and interactive fiction; most days, I consider myself lucky to have made it through the day unscathed.
For now, the purpose of the website is to serve as a record, and my goal is to do something every day to improve or update the website. Even if it's just a line to say I am still here.